If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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