normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
