Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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