she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
