So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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