Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Every concussion has its silver lining
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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