Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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