I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
