I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
