And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
