well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
