Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
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