Got a toothbrush?
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
