Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
