I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Moan for me like Helen Keller
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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