And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
