Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Dignity is for republicans.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
