I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
