Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
