I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
