I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
