we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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