Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
