God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
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I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
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Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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