Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
