I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
