bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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