Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
