State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
