the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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