I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
