Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
