ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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