I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.