I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
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My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
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Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....