I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.