That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis