i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
