I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
