Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
sarcasm needs its own font
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
