my phone needs a breathalizer
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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