Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
