dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I need water and some morals
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
