I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
