turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
