help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
