I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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