I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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