We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
