The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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