i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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