Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
