I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
