He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
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Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
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I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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