did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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