Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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