i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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