its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
