I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
They took my balls.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
