I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
