I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
My dad is sitting where you rode me
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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