peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
please come you make the beer taste better
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Randomize
