Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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