Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
