***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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